One Little Word

I originally wrote this post to help parents who choose to unschool their kids.  But as I thought more about it, it's much more universal than that.  Parents are often looking for advice or guidance on how to do this right. Yet, we all know there are no courses or handbooks that can tell us exactly what to do. Some of that is a good thing - because what works for one family, may just not work for another.   But if you stick with principles, instead of look for a handy-dandy list of rules, you will have much more success. If you think about what kind of parent you WANT to be, then you'll have a much better shot at feeling good with the decisions that will face your family.  

So what makes unschooling work is a lot like what makes good parenting work. And it seems to boil down to one little word.

What is the word?

Camping

Ron with Katie, Alyssa & Michael in the tent

WITH.

A simple preposition that makes all the difference. Think of how important that word is, when you visualize these scenarios.

Playing WITH your children.

....board games

....card games

.....video games

....make believe

....in the treehouse

....on the tire swing

Playing in the sand at South Padre (Sue & Katie)

....in the fort in the living room

.... in the pail of bubbles

Working WITH your children.

....on how to assemble a kite
....or ride a horse or a bike or a jet ski

....about how to change a flat tire

....on how to use mod podge, or make stepping stones

....on how to build a power point, or connect the modem

Talking WITH your children.

....about getting a new pet

....about which movie to go see

....about advertising you both see/hear on TV or billboards or radio

....about what kind of job he might like

On the road to Alaska...

stopping off to explore Yellowstone

....about why grandma has to repeat things so often

Interacting WITH your children.

....about how they feel when kids are mean

....about how to stand up for what's right

....about how to really listen and fight the urge to interrupt

....about what can be done about the homeless man on the corner

....about what you can do when you feel bored

....about what's considered rude or inconsiderate or kind or helpful

....about grocery shopping, or laundering, or cooking

 I'm sure you can come up with a bazillion more examples of things you do WITH your child. I just want you to realize that no matter what it is - the WITH aspect is the most important part!

Remember 20 years ago, the debate was "Quality" time vs. "Quantity" time? It had a lot to do with women choosing careers - but it's really not that black and white. You can have "quality time," and just not enough of it. And you can have "quantity time," but not be engaged or really present with your children. It's never simple, is it? You have to walk into it all consciously - checking and rechecking to be sure you're parenting in the way that you want.

Modeling behavior, having heartfelt discussions, getting the opportunity to share life experiences can only happen when you're WITH them. It seems obvious, but sometimes when you're tired or the kitchen is a mess, parents can get impatient and prefer the kids to go do something in the other room. That's when I want you to remember the little word: WITH.  Time will fly, and your relationship with your child as an adult as well as so many aspects of their own personality, will be directly related to how much WITH Time you gave them.

All of us together before

Michael left for the Peace Corps, Katie left for NYC, and Alyssa got engaged

So if you have to, paste a little piece of scrap paper like the one above with the word "With" on your bathroom mirror...or your put it up on your fridge with a magnet... paint it, cross-stitch it, print it - whatever you have to do to keep it in the front of your mind!

*Yes, this was also at my Unschooling Blog, but I needed it for my daily August 6th NaBloPoMo post! ha! So you might be seeing this twice. 

Pay Attention!

 Consider these scenarios...

When I was little, I was one of those children who talked a lot and LOUDLY. I can remember my cousin actually turning to my dad saying, "Does she have a volume button?" Obviously, I did not. Nor did I forget the comment. I tell you this because I want you to know that I get it. My mom, who had an exhausting job, would have to come home to this high energy kid who wanted to talk and talk and talk.  I can remember sitting on the floor while she read the paper or a book and just nodded along at me. I'd ask her, "Are you listening?" "Mhm," would be her reply. Nothing more. I knew she was not listening.

When my kids were little, I was trying to juggle a variety of things at once. My kids were around all the time, since we homeschooled. They were ESPECIALLY around if I was on the phone with someone. Which was often. The internet was just taking off and I was thrilled about talking with other moms from around the country.  My kids would ask me questions and bring something to show me. They'd ask me, "Are you listening?" "Mhm," would be my reply. Nothing more. I wasn't listening to them.

Skip forward another decade and shoe is on the other foot. My teens are sitting with me in the car. I'm asking them something about their day. They're texting on their phone. From the moment they walked out the door, then there was a brief moment of "calling shotgun" for the front seat, then back to non-stop texting.  I'd ask, "Are you listening to me?" "Mhm," would be their reply. Nothing more. They weren't listening.

I give all three of these scenarios because I think you'll be able to relate to at least one of them. No one was doing anything malicious in any of these situations.  People were just caught up in the moment.  Everyone has probably been the victim and the ignorer at some point in their lives. Probably at multiple points in their lives.

But I think as parents who want to do better - as PEOPLE who want to do better - we need to adjust ourselves.  Life flies by quickly. At 50, I'm well aware of that fact.  The people who are in our lives are there because we value them.  They deserve our attention. Real attention. That attention we give indicates to them how much we love them, how we appreciate them, how they MATTER in our lives.

It's a habit of laziness really, a lack of thoughtfulness.  It's not being fully conscious about the every day life decisions we are making. I really want to be present for the people that are in my everyday life. And I want them to be present with me.

If your child wants to talk with you, appreciate them. Give them your full attention. They are mentally noting how you interact with them.  It's telling them their worth and your interest in them. And think of how that translates for later in their life...if a mother is not interested in them, who would be? These are big messages we are conveying and so often, we don't even realize it's happening.

Make an agreement that there will be actual conversation with the person in front of you - your child, your partner, your friend. Put down the texting, stop reading your email, don't glance at your Facebook newsfeed. Let people know that they DO matter to you. Look them in the eyes and really listen to them.

A "Hands On" Approach to Parenting

For years, we've heard other parents say, "A house full of teens? Good luck!" And they wander away shaking their head, as if you've already lost some battle. True, the teenage years are full of heightened emotions, raging hormones, self-esteem issues, and basically trying to figure out who they are in this world. These are tough issues! So, why, as a society, would we think we need to take a more hands-off approach to raising teens? These years seem to be much more difficult to figure out than those pre-school years, when we were so incredibly involved. But we try to deal with it in all black or white. Either we look away and hope for the best. Or we tighten the screws to keep them safe. Neither really works.

Sometimes, a lot of times really, parents are simply too tired to go head-to-head with our teen in angst. And, it's true that if you come back to it in a day or so, lots of the emotion will have blown away and it's easier to get through the day. But the issues are still just under the surface. This is a missed opportunity on so many levels.

Your teen could learn to face their problems head on. They could see that you are not afraid to go into these treacherous waters WITH them.  They could see you're not afraid to stand by them and face the scary stuff that they are facing each day. You could show them that you think their problems are important, even if they seem petty and small to you. They are obviously causing your teen some difficulties. You can let them know that they are important to you and helping them solve problems is part of the job of parenting.

You might have to bite your tongue. Teens want to be heard - who doesn't? They really want to come to the conclusion on their own. So asking questions is better than telling them what should be done. Even if you think you know. Helping them learn to problem-solve is the key. Not doing it for them.

Relating stories from when you had similar situations as a teen might help. Watch their expressions though. You might be really "getting into" your story of your own teen years, and they are tuning out. Not because your story is dull (I'm sure it's not!) but because the shift of the focus went from them to you. They are the one who is in the middle of a struggle. Keep your story brief. ;-)

So often, they think we cannot relate. Or they're afraid we're going to judge them. Or point out their mistakes. These are the pitfalls to avoid in these parent-teen interactions. While it may sound hokey, they need to know that you are coming from a place of love not worry - because worry implies you think they cannot handle themselves. But from love. You want them to be happy. You want to be their safe place they can run to when their friends stab them in the back. You want to be the one who will not betray them. They will come to trust you, share more with you, and value your input. Win-win.

Relationship with Your Teen

For me, it's all about the relationships. Remember that poem that floated around when the kids were little? About ignoring the messy handprints on the wall because someday, they'd all be grown and gone? We maybe need to write a poem that has more to do with teens. Because we need to realize that our kids will not be adolescents forever. But the relationships that we form with them now, will be carried long into adulthood. A ripple effect will occur - how they treat other people, their own children, people that will work with them. And on a more selfish note, how much they want to interact with us as aging parents will be a direct result of the relationship we formed with them as children growing.

So, we agree, it's important. Right?

But often, we hear parents say, "I'm not your friend! I'm your mother!" What does that really mean? Is it impossible to be both? Do we really want both?

For the friend side, we want:

• Trust
• To know what's happening in their life
• To have them feel like they can share their problems
• To have them enjoy being around us

From the mom side, we want:

• To have them know our suggestions are best
• To have them follow our suggestions
• To have compliance
• To have respect

I'm sure there are more "wishes" on each front. It's just a matter of looking at them. Maybe it's an issue about labels. Maybe there is some other being - the best of both the friend and the mom world.

So how do we gain their trust? We listen. We try not to judge. We try to help them see situations from a variety of perspectives, so they can choose what's best for them. By not bulldozing our way onto them, they learn that they can trust us to hear them - to really listen to what they want to get across. We have to let them make mistakes without any look of "told ya so." We have to simply be there to help them when they need to regroup and try again. These are ways of building trust.

Friends know what's happening in their lives. And by knowing, we can offer advice and guidance before mistakes are made. Or we can offer help once the mistakes happen, as they undoubtedly will. And by knowing what's going on, we will feel less parental anxiety. So often, we assume the worst. They may be doing things we wish they wouldn't, but if we build up walls, there's no way they will let us know what's going on.

Friends share problems. I think this is where, for me, the "friendship" label doesn't fit. I don't want a two-way street with them sharing their problems and me sharing mine. I want them to be able to share ANY problem they have. But I don't want to burden them with all of my own. That's what MY friends are for. And there will be things that they only want to share with their peers. But if they have your trust, they will come to you when their peers' advice simply isn't good enough. They will be open with you about what they want to do or have already done. How we react to it will be the deciding factor on whether they continue.

Friends enjoy being around each other. Are you fun? Do you find things that you AND your child like to do together? This will strengthen your relationship with them. Whether it's watching certain T.V. shows together, or singing in the car on the way to Sonic for a late night snack, these are the building blocks for a solid relationship.  [HaHa! Just noticing the two options that sprung to mind for me were very couch-potato-ish! Maybe you and your teen like to ride bikes, or run, or walk the dogs, or play paintball, or....something more active. It just has to fit you. And it looks like now you know what fits us! ]

Now let's look at the Mom Side. What parts of being able to the play the Mom card help or hinder relationship building?

Mother knows best, right? Sometimes. But not always. And sometimes learning it yourself is necessary. Have you ever moved to a new city? People can tell you where things are, print out maps for you, but the best way to learn is to actually get lost. You have to find your way out. You have to find the familiar and go from there. So, it's nice to be the one who is always right, but is it realistic? And is it healthy? What happens if they have you on some pedestal where you can do no wrong. It's really hard to come to that perfect mom and report in that you are less than perfect. And our goal is to make it as easy as possible for them to come to us.

Follow our Advice. There is no doubt in my mind that many of us have a lot of VERY good suggestions for our teens. Simply by virtue of having been on this planet longer than them, means that we've had more interactions - good and bad - struggled with decisions, made choices that worked and choices that didn't. If we have a good relationship with our teen, they are much more likely to hear what we have to say - to actually learn from our mistakes and our triumphs. But not if we come at them with a "do as I say" attitude. They know that they will soon be adults themselves. They want to test their own wings. Let them do it with your love instead of your criticism. They have their own inner critic working against them. They may actually be able to do something that we didn't think they could do - or that we couldn't accomplish when we were their age. Nevertheless, they deserve the right to try.

Having a Compliant Teen. This is about obedience, right? Having them do what you tell them to do without any guff? There are situations when you, as the mom, need them to do things they don't feel like doing. It's best to work that out before the heat of the situation. Who is going to be in charge of cleaning up after the dogs? Not a fun job. But someone has to do it. Probably should be the person that wants the dog to stay. Is it fair to have mom clear all the stuff off the table, cook the dinner, and then do all the dishes? Maybe sometimes. But dividing what needs to be done with everyone in the house, taking into consideration what is going on in their lives might make compliance more likely. Compliance implies always yielding to the other person's wishes. No one likes that. That's why getting everyone on board with what needs to be done - and maybe even reevaluating what really needs to be done - will help.


Lastly, Respect. In this context, we're talking about respect for the Mom because she is the mom. But that's not how life really works. People respect people because they deserve it. They might fake a little respect for smoother sailing, but that's more like fear or manipulation, neither of which we really want to encourage! The best way to have your teens respect is to show them respect. Respect when you talk to them. Respect when they ask for things. Respecting them as you would any friend. There we go again with the blurring lines between Friend/Mom. Sometimes it takes articulating what you are doing for them. Not in a whiny, why-don't-you-appreciate-me way. But simply a here's-how-I-see-it way. This can't be done when everyone's emotions are on the brink. Some families have regular family meetings. Some have pow-wows when it's clear someone is feeling taken advantage of. Respect is a two-way street. People who feel respected are much more likely to respect others.

All of these are building blocks for relationships. And, maybe Friend and Mom are not mutually exclusive terms. I think there might be a reason there is no one handbook for how to parent. You have to take into consideration the needs of both the parent and the teen. What do they have to offer each other? What would each of them want from the other? This is why people choose to have relationships. Good relationships make your life better - not harder. That's the goal for everyone involved.

A DIfferent Kind of Parenting

I've always known that I raise my kids differently from most parents. I wasn't allowed to join "The Mean Moms Club." in our local moms group. It just didn't really fit me.

My parenting style grew from prioritizing communication. I wasn't interested in establishing my authority or trying to catch them doing the wrong thing. I was interested in being a guide. Someone who had been there before. Someone who only wanted the best for them. But most importantly, someone who would listen to them.

The root of all communication is getting your point across. But it's not a one way street. Parents have to learn to let their teens say what they think. Even if it might change in an hour. Even if it might scare the crud out of you. "Not Being heard" is the lament of teens, generation after generation. What prevents us from remembering that? What prevents us from trying to fix that situation?

I was a child of the 60's and 70's. I did a lot of things wrong. I hope my children never have to live through some of the experiences I chose. But I'm going to be there with them - no matter what they choose to do.

The Daily Groove

I read an email each morning from Scott Noelle. He writes about a different way of parenting. You can subscribe to his daily email. He has 365 days of them!  It's called The Daily Groove.

I really liked today's thought.

Be Unreasonable

by Scott Noelle, posted on 2006-06-09

When parenting becomes stressful, notice what you're thinking. You'll discover that you have a "good reason" for your stress:

• I'm worried because ___________.
• I'm angry because ___________.
• I feel guilty because ___________.

When you have a good reason to be stressed, the fastest way to release the stress is to let yourself be UNreasonable.

Why? Because it's more important to feel good than to be "right."

Why? Because good feelings are your Emotional Guidance telling you you're aligning with your Authentic Self.
So being unreasonable is actually quite reasonable! :)

Does this mean ignoring things that need attention? Not at all. It just means you've realized that there is no reason good enough to justify sacrificing your peace.

Your connection to Well-Being is always more important.

A little more about Monday, teens, & texting

Someone wrote to me about commiserating with how much bigger the problems are when your children are teens. I spent so many years thinking about this. I really believed that homeschooling (at least the unschooly respectful way that we do it) would prevent a lot of the teen problems that are so prevalent in society. Here's a few things I thought:

• Teens are rebellious because they have rigid unalterable rules surrounding them. Let them be a part of the decision-making, make changes to the rules when their positions are rational. Weighing out the pros and cons of something as objectively as possible will be a great skill to learn.
• If their opinion is valued, they will value others' opinions. There can be no belittling (as is so often seen in high schools). That just makes a person angrier. When the adult belittles you, and you cannot a.) compete with the banter because you're not good enough at it yet or b.) show disrespect to the adult without suffering the consequences, there's no wonder why teens often feel angry or lacking in self esteem
• Being around adult conversations helps them learn how mature (hopefully) adults interact with each other. Limiting themselves to primarily being around other kids who are still working through a lot of their own issues won't necessarily be helpful, and could actually be harmful.
• Use others' behaviors as conversations starters. Without being overly critical, help them see when their friends or acquaintances run into trouble, what results happen. Help your teen problem solve how the end result could have been different. Help them figure out what might be motivating the other person. All these things will cross your own teen's path eventually. Maybe some of these conversations will stick.
• Use natural consequences instead of arbitrary ones
• Say "Yes" as often as possible. This puts the adults on the same side as the teen. Immediately, you're working WITH them, instead of opposing them. If you start with "No" then they've stopped listening to your wonderful pearls of wisdom.

And even when you have these kinds of guiding principles, the path gets messy. The heat of the moment often wins out over logic.

So, on to our specific teen and her specific texting problem. We really were going to cave in and let her have it at Christmas. All her friends have it. Peer pressure is so much more painful to her than to the others. And, as most people know, at least half the bill was RECEIVING texts, not sending them. But then she got into a little trouble online - she showed some not great judgement. And the thought of making her MORE reachable didn't seem like a great plan.

Add to that the cost...$20 per month doesn't sound that bad, but when you look at it for a year - ACK! Maybe I'm cheap. But it looked like something she could EARN when she demonstrated good judgement. Seemed logical, right? HA! As if LOGIC ever plays a part in all this! We were looking at ways she could maybe pay for it - but she has no real source of income. She has occasional babysitting jobs. We've done allowance off and on, but when the older 2 started working, everyone helped with household stuff and Alyssa got more money if she did more - because she was the one home more. But bills for texting come every month. And her income didn't.

I didn't realize that you could simply turn texting OFF. There's a lesson for everyone here. If your child isn't ready for it, then do that. In the end, Ron went ahead and called TMobile and added texting, just to protect from the cost of INCOMING texts. She doesnt know - heck, she has no phone right now.

Teen years aren't horrible - please know that. When you're connecting with them, it's the best. When you see them making decisions that are smart or kind or full of joy - it's just as great as when you watched them sleep as babies and felt overcome with love. It's just that the pace quickens. The troubles ARE bigger. Mistakes seem to ripple out a little farther than just spilt sippee cups ruining the couch. But I guess all those things help you as parents *prepare* for the life ahead.

Parents are learning too. All the time. And some days still just go better than others.